Why I do not rely on one approach to understand a concern

On the surface, the problem seems to be how often you check your phone. But simply checking less may leave the more important questions untouched: what were you waiting for, and what did “It’s fine” keep you from saying?

Begin with your experience

I might ask, “What did you feel most strongly as you waited?” One person might feel anxious; another, angry. Someone else may notice how disappointed they were only after the reply arrives. Even when the situation looks similar, the painful part can differ. I want to hear how you describe your experience before suggesting another way to see it.

A person-centred perspective reminds me to respect your understanding of your own life. I can listen and ask questions, and you can also tell me, “That is not quite how it feels to me.”

Notice what happened in your mind while you waited

Perhaps you kept thinking, “They must not care about me.” We can separate the event, “I have not received a reply yet,” from your interpretation of it. The first is what happened; the second is one way of making sense of it.

Drawing on a cognitive behavioural perspective, we might notice how that thought affected your feelings and actions. What do you know, and what would you need to check with the other person? This does not mean suppressing your hurt or forcing yourself to believe they were simply busy.

If the same hurt keeps returning

Suppose you notice that in different relationships, a delayed response makes it hard to voice your needs. When the other person comes back, you often say, “It’s fine.” We might gently explore what you fear could happen if you expressed your hurt, and what staying quiet helped you manage at the time.

A psychodynamic perspective can draw attention to recurring relationship experiences. One delayed message cannot tell us that the cause lies in childhood. We also need to look at this relationship now: was the delay occasional, or does the person regularly avoid communication? Have you discussed what each of you expects around staying in touch?

Let the question guide the approach

We do not need to apply every perspective in one conversation. We can begin with what matters most to you: naming the hurt, examining a worry, understanding a recurring interaction, or finding a way to say one honest thing.

If waiting and hurt keep repeating across relationships, you can bring one recent interaction to a session. Together we can explore what happened, which needs went unspoken, and what is actually happening in the relationship. You do not need to arrive with a theory about “the kind of person I am.” One experience that has left you stuck is enough to begin.

Further reading: American Psychological Association: approaches to psychotherapy.